I’m a chef and one of the main reasons I cook is because I like seeing how my food, and the flavours I create, can move people. In the 22 years I’ve been cooking professionally, I’ve lost count of the times I’ve been told my food is orgasmic. The whole dining experience can be, too, from the taste of mind-blowing food to the seductive atmosphere of a restaurant. But can food actually turn you on?
Aphrodisiacs vary hugely, from those high in antioxidants for increased blood flow – which include strawberries, figs, pomegranate and watermelon, to the bivalves – mussels, clams and cockles – which are loaded with zinc, which encourages testosterone production and increases sex drive for both men and women.
The list goes on: horny goat weed, testicles, geoduck or “elephant clam” (I searched high and low for this in London, but it’s out of season), Korean Red Ginseng, magic mushrooms and maca… Each aphrodisiac has its whys and hows, some down to appearance, legend and placebo effect – some due to how the hormones or minerals they contain get our blood pumping.
But do they actually work? In a totally unscientific experiment, I decided to find out, by consuming famous aphrodisiacs from around the world, over the course of one week. Could they really activate my libido or even improve my orgasms? Here’s what happened.
Oysters and Guinness
There is nowhere sexier to eat oysters in London than Bentley’s Oyster Bar; it’s simple yet timelessly elegant. Waiters crack open oysters perfectly at speed while you drink impeccable cocktails.
For oysters to have their aphrodisiac effects, it’s said you need to eat more than 12 per person. This is not for the faint-hearted. The legend goes that Casanova ate 50 a day; my partner and I ordered 34 raw oysters between us.
You just need to look at oysters to understand why they are considered an aphrodisiac. They have the delicate frills of the inner labia as well as the firm stem of a perfectly-formed clitoris, plus a bitey sack of creamy umami and saline-rich meat. Eating oysters and catching eye contact with your lover may as well be foreplay.
Even so, after the sixth, I was worried – I’d never eaten more than this in one sitting. I swiftly drank a terrific Gibson Martini and then took back another half dozen with little effort.
I wanted to come to Bentley’s because they serve their oysters with Guinness; it contains huge amounts of iron which, alongside the high volumes of zinc and iodine in the bivalves, makes for a superfood combination. We ordered pints as we entered the final stretch.
Galvanised, we finished the rest like athletes, along with a salad of white asparagus and clams, and a Dover sole. Heady on the experience, we rolled out of the restaurant, into the car, and straight back home, feeling like we’d been seduced by Poseidon.
THE RESULT
Down to the nitty gritty: we were both very clearly turned on, and had sex twice, with some exemplary orgasms. Endurance was at an all-time high. While I believe the whole experience was very sexy, there is no doubt in my mind that oysters are an actual aphrodisiac. An incredibly strong start.
I give the whole combo 10/10
Gillian Anderson’s G Spot – Arouse
The next night I made myself a whole globe artichoke with an anchovy salad crème and had some fat live cockles. I made the most exceptional and way too garlicky vongole. Clams and cockles are two noted aphrodisiacs, and my aim was to lay down some sexy foundations before consuming Sex Education actress Gillian Anderson’s new aphrodisiac drink – G-spot “Arouse”.
I poured the drink over ice. This lilac beverage, according to the marketing blurb, contains “well-known” aphrodisiacs Butterfly pea, Habanero chilli, passionfruit, L-Citrulline, L-Arginine and vitamin B. It tasted sickly; like waking up on the floor after a heavy night in Magaluf drinking sticky shots and smoking too many fags.
I wasn’t completely convinced one can was enough so I had five.
THE RESULT
We waited and waited, and then we both fell asleep. I hoped there would be a little tingle, but neither my partner nor I got anything from this drink. Being in a sexy environment might have helped – but a can, even if it’s full of aphrodisiacs, simply isn’t sexy.
An unsexy 2/10
Lambs’ testicles
I wasn’t looking forward to eating lambs’ testicles. I called on my good friend, chef and Junior MasterChef host Hasan Samay (Big Has to his friends and fans), for guidance. He is a Turkish Cypriot, a part of the world famous for this delicacy, and took me his local Ocakbasi in Edmonton. He confessed that he, too, had been dreading our lunch, as testes aren’t his bag either.
Nevertheless, I asked Has to treat me like a Turkish Cypriot man who wants to get lucky, and he promptly ordered a bottle of raki. It’s believed to be a “male potency enhancer” and, Big Has told me, many Turks traditionally drink it for a extra va-va-voom in the bedroom. It was on-brief, so I gently sipped it.
We ate homemade aryan (Turkish milk kefir), some meze and the grilled lambs’ testicles, which were first poached, then sliced and finally grilled on skewers (winces), finished with a dusting of cumin and dried oregano, over shredded onion and sumac salad.
THE RESULT
Testes are considered an aphrodisiac as they contain enormous volumes of testosterone. The aryan is believed to enhance libido and improve sperm count. I am a woman, so this experiment might have been futile, but I left feeling ramped up; like I was about to storm the West End for a raging night on the sesh.
Instead, I headed home and, like Neanderthal man, I dragged my partner upstairs to bed. Afterwards, I couldn’t work out whether I was ashamed or bemused. How utterly peculiar.
A very confusing 7/10
Magic mushroom chocolates
I’ve never had regrettable sex on magic mushrooms. I am by no means encouraging anyone to do this, I am simply documenting their effect on me.
I’ve been very vocal about my use of magic mushrooms and how I believe the psychedelic mushroom therapy I had in Mexico saved my life when I was at my lowest ebb. I see so much value in them.
We mustn’t forget that they are illegal in the UK, but I’d still like to make a strong case for magic mushrooms over booze. Unlike alcohol, mushrooms make you seek connection. They also make you tune into your body in a way nothing else does.
I have a bar of magic mushroom chocolate, which contains five grammes of its psychoactive ingredient psilocybin. I know that 0.2g – 0.5g is considered a microdose. I want to feel the effects of the mushrooms; I want to see brighter colours, maybe a few patterns behind my eyes, but I’m not, for example, up for having a conversation with a horse, so I take one gramme. I do this at midday on a Wednesday and soon find myself wandering around my house, carefully tending to all the plants.
There is a specific window for sex on psychedelics and it is just when you’re starting to feel the effects, when your body starts to buzz, but in a very nice and mild way. I then become aware of how sexual I am and how that actual buzz feels between my legs. And then – hey presto – you’re turned on.
RESULTS
Sex on mushrooms is otherworldly.
A cosmic 11/10
THE VERDICT
This week of eating for better sex made me remember how important is the whole experience of consuming food and drink – the surroundings, the atmosphere, how the dish looks, even the lighting – and how subtle details affect how we are driven as red-blooded beings.
Aside from this, judging by the experiences I have had over the past few days, it would appear some aphrodisiacs do work. I appreciate a test like this holds absolutely no scientific currency, but I can only say I felt a palpable difference (hello, oysters and testicles). The placebo effect is still an effect, right?