“You can still live a fulfilling, happy life”

After serving time in prison, Paul experienced a psychotic breakdown which later manifested into schizophrenia. For National Schizophrenia Awareness Day, Paul reflects on his long, yet inspiring journey.

I’m a 55 year old Christian writer, filmmaker, actor, poet and photographer who suffers from schizophrenia. I became mentally ill in 1992, after serving eight years in prison between the ages of 15 and 24 for violent and money motivated crimes.

I was last released from jail in the summer of 1992. Shortly after I was released, I had a schizophrenic breakdown. Within 18 months, I was admitted to hospital on three occasions, twice on a section. I was last discharged from hospital in October 1993.

When I had a breakdown, I’d suffer from extreme paranoia and delusions. I thought the mafia, the Irish Republican Army (IRA) and the London underworld wanted to kill me. I also believed the police wanted to frame me for murder; that I’d get a life sentence and kill myself in prison. 

I had disordered thinking and thought that people were intercepting my thoughts, controlling me with witchcraft and the occult. I also had other extremely embarrassing and painful fears and delusions. I believed I was the antichrist, that God wanted to kill and destroy me.

I think I had a breakdown due to the effects of prison trauma and because I’d regularly taken drugs like cannabis, heroin, crack and ecstasy. I took a lot of these drugs in prison. Another thing that made me ill was creative burnout. In my final year in prison, I think I wrote a world record amount of letters.

I became a Christian during my final year in jail, but immediately backslid when I was released. When I’d been out of jail though, I started to attend church again and rededicated my life to being a Christian. 

I met a pastor and his wife. They watched a couple of short documentaries I’d made years before at Battersea Basement Studios in London, a project for young offenders. They said I had talent and they encouraged me to study filmmaking at college. 

Fuelled by their encouragement, I enrolled on a course in video production at a college in the area I’d grown up in. I passed and did another year-long course, an HNC in video production, where I gained another qualification.

In 2002, I started a film degree at university, but dropped out after just one term. It was just too difficult to cope with the train journeys over two hours each way. Anyone on antipsychotic medication knows how lethargic and demotivated the side effects can make you.

In 2005, I started another film degree in another university in South West London, but left halfway through as I failed some work on the theory side. Around this time, I foolishly reduced my medication to less than a third of the recommended maintenance dose and started to relapse. I’ve since regretted that I wasn’t on right amount of medication, as I’m sure I’d have coped and would have a degree by now.

Since my teenage years in prison, I’ve become a very prolific writer. I’ve improved my skills after studying a correspondence comprehensive writing course with The Writers Bureau between 2011 and 2015. I then studied with them again in 2016, to complete a freelance journalism course.

I’ve now written 18 books and have published three of them under my former pen name Christophrenic. Four years ago, I self-published ‘Creepers’, a novella about burglars who break into homes whilst people are sleeping. I’ve also written over 200 articles, some of which have been published, and at least 60 short film scripts which I’ve produced and directed into short films. 

I’ve filmed numerous weddings, baptisms and plays. I rarely earn money at any of these events and when I do I declare it to social security. They’ve often deducted most of it from my benefits, which is frustrating but it’s better to have a clear conscience.

I also met my wife at church and we’ve been married 20 years. I’ve got two grown-up stepchildren and two teenage daughters. I hope my story demonstrates that you can still live a fulfilling, happy life despite schizophrenia.