“I am committed to honouring my father” – Katherine’s story

A stock photo has been used on this blog at the request of the author. 

After losing her father to suicide, Katherine felt lost in her grief. With the help of Rethink Mental Illness’ Support After Suicide Service in Surrey, Katherine felt heard, understood and less alone. She shares her story for International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day.

I was completely lost when Dad took his own life. My body pretty much shut everything down, yet put other parts on high alert. The slightest noise would make me jump out of my skin and I swung between angry, sad, despairing, exhausted; needing to be strong for mum, but mostly just absolutely shocked and wanting answers.

My support from Rethink Mental Illness gave me a safe place to ask all of the questions you feel you shouldn’t ask, yet were so critical in starting to understand the impossible. My support worker, Anabelle, was so wonderful - calm and unshakable.

She reassured me that it was absolutely okay and expected to be feeling as I was. She gave me explanations and analogies that helped me to process some of the mental health struggles that Dad would likely have been experiencing. These were hugely comforting in understanding the event itself. There was no topic I felt I couldn’t share, even if I hated the way I was feeling about it, and the support from Rethink has been critical in shaping a more positive path through my grief.

It is so important that we talk openly about suicide, feeling comfortable to use the word and discuss the impacts. If we don’t normalise this topic, it will only compound the problem of those affected not seeking the right help.

If someone close to you makes this choice, you deserve all of the support with absolutely no fear of judgement or shame. You deserve to share the truth of what you are going through. Others deserve to hear the truth as well, and there is hope that they can learn from it. Hiding it or telling a different story only adds to the issue of stigma.

I owe a lot to Rethink for helping me to process, accept and share, and build my own purpose through the absolute worst of experiences. I am committed to honouring my father by sharing our story wherever I can, and encouraging access to support for all.